A mama in the darkness

November 17, 2011

Tiny hands explore my face as I rock you with your bottle.

The left one grazes my chin and cheek, searching for a strand of hair to twirl. The right one feels my ear and finds my earring. Usually it twists your own hair, but tonight you want mine.

I hope I always remember their touch, their tiny strokes.

Will there be more someday? Right now it is just me and you, and you have all of me.

Your legs dangle off my lap, not kicking about tonight. Calm, ready for bed. You’re getting so big.

Your warm head, fresh from a bath, nestled in the bend of my left elbow. It fits perfectly.

I rock, you drink. It’s early, but you’re tired already and I can tell it’s time.

The snuffles and grunts as you swallow the last milk of the day soon turn into the slow breaths and little snores of your slumber. Sleep comes easily tonight.

I watch you, breathing in every second and trying to etch the memory in my mind for all time.

I smile down at you in the darkness, your eyelids having fluttered shut for the final time for sleep. Tears well up in my eyes, for I know this era is fleeting.

I don’t want it to go.

They say we have to give this up soon, but not tonight. Not now.

You don’t need to be burped anymore, but I put you on my shoulder when the bottle is done anyway. I love when you sleep up there. You fit.

Your little left hand falls to rest on my left shoulder as you turn yourself around, getting comfortable in your dreams. I kiss it, then your cheek as I lay you in your crib. Face down, knees pulled in underneath you, bottom up in the air. Your favorite position.

I love you. Every piece of you. Every fiber of your being and every sparkle of your soul, wherever it may take you. Hopefully not too far away.

I will always love you like this. Forever.

 

This was originally intended to only be a little ode to D, but it just so happens to fit in with a couple writing prompts. So I’m linking up at both Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop and Heather’s Just Write.

 

 

{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

KatieChapman November 17, 2011 at 9:02 am

so sweet! My eyes welled up a bit as I read it. Owen woke me up during the middle of the night last night for a feeding (which is unusual, for him). I was annoyed at first, but then really enjoyed the extra time I got to spend with him. We cuddled and held hands while he ate, I loved every minute of it!

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_ScooterMarie November 17, 2011 at 9:42 am

@KatieChapman Aw, thank you! Yes, I’ve felt the same way when D wakes up in the nights. First it’s like what are you doing awake? Then I love just getting to spend some more quiet time with her, just D and Mommy.

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mamaonmission1 November 17, 2011 at 9:18 am

Misty-eyed. Could have written it myself. I guess the feelings of being a mama are universal. We are all so different, but all very much the same. Lovely post, friend.

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_ScooterMarie November 17, 2011 at 9:43 am

@mamaonmission1 Thank you, my dear! As I was rocking her the other night these thoughts and words just came to me, and I didn’t want to forget that moment. So to the blog they went! You’re right – I think almost every mom can picture herself in that same rocking chair.

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aliwayout November 17, 2011 at 10:55 am

So beautiful. I feel like this totally encapsulates the hundreds of bed times in my house too. I really don’t want them to end. Like ever. Love this post!

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_ScooterMarie November 17, 2011 at 11:44 am

@aliwayout Thank you!!

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momjoviblog November 17, 2011 at 2:15 pm

So beautiful! As long as I live, I will never forget those moments of sending my daughter off to sleep. She always ALWAYS had to twirl as my hair in her fingers as she nursed. She’s now almost 4 and when I sometimes lay down with her at night ,she still finds my hair and twirls. I wish I could bottle these moments and relive them forever.

So beautifully said. You just put me back in her bedroom, 3 years ago.

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_ScooterMarie November 17, 2011 at 2:37 pm

@momjoviblog Thank you so much! Isn’t that funny with the hair? D almost always twirls her own in the back with her right hand while drinking her bottle. Must be her calming device. I do so love watching her drift to sleep.

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momjoviblog November 17, 2011 at 2:46 pm

@_ScooterMarie I don’t mean to scare you but E, when she was about 20 mos old, twirled her hair so much that she eventually started pulling a lot of it out. It was awful. She basically went bald on top of her head. My pediatrician wasn’t that worried about it and said she’d eventually outgrow it. But the rest of the world scared me and tried to convince me to get her into a therapist immediately to get it corrected once and for all before it really got bad (although I’m not sure she could have gotten any balder!). Thankfully, our doctor was right and she did outgrow it and the hair all grew back in. Our ped said it’s not that uncommon, particularly for children who’ve always used it as a soothing mechanism. The pulling started really picking up when we went through a massive string of ear infections. So, hopefully this never happens to D, but if it does, don’t panic. The hair will come back and she WILL stop!

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_ScooterMarie November 17, 2011 at 3:37 pm

@momjoviblog Yikes!! D’s had a couple ear infections so far, but the twirling hasn’t changed. She likes to just rub a little piece between her thumb and forefinger, kind of behind her ear. Not actually twisting it around her whole hand or finger. Fortunately she hasn’t pulled any out yet, but now I will definitely keep an eye out for that. Thank you! I never would have even thought of this.

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embracingthespectrum January 2, 2012 at 7:29 pm

This is a beautiful post!

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_ScooterMarie January 2, 2012 at 11:04 pm

@embracingthespectrum Thank you so very much!

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heysheila May 8, 2012 at 7:52 am

Sweet, sweet memories of a happy baby.
 
Happy SITS Day. Nice to meet you.

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_ScooterMarie May 8, 2012 at 9:40 am

 @heysheila Thank you so much for reading! It’s nice to meet you too. 🙂

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Tricia May 8, 2012 at 7:55 am

So beautiful. You’ve captured those early days so perfectly.

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_ScooterMarie May 8, 2012 at 9:40 am

Thank you, Tricia!

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photo by holly May 8, 2012 at 8:15 am

It’s amazing how quickly those early days fly by, every moment is a gift!  ♥

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_ScooterMarie May 8, 2012 at 9:40 am

 @photo by holly I completely agree!

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Tricia May 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

So very sweet. It goes by so quickly, and I’m guilty of sometimes wishing it away. Thank you for reminding me to savor it. 

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_ScooterMarie May 9, 2012 at 10:43 am

 @Tricia You’re right – I think time is speeding up the older she gets. You’re quite welcome. Thank you for reading!

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Ciara May 8, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I’m not a mom yet, but this gives me one more thing to look forward to! Thanks!

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_ScooterMarie May 9, 2012 at 10:42 am

You are very welcome. Thank you for reading!

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HomeJobsbyMOM May 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

I loved those moments. So sweet.

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_ScooterMarie May 9, 2012 at 10:42 am

 @HomeJobsbyMOM Thank you!

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hannah June 27, 2012 at 6:06 pm

You are so lucky to have capture this memory. Someday when she is grown, it will warm your hard to read this post that will vividly bring back this wonderful experience.
Hannah P.S.
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ScooterMarie June 28, 2012 at 8:29 am

Thanks, Hannah!
ScooterMarie recently posted..11w5d

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